who gets the kids at christmas?
Written by Mitch Wilkins, with contributions from Elizabeth Fletcher, as part of our Christmas Coparenting series in collaboration with Family Law in Partnership.
Few questions bring up as much emotion after a separation as “Who gets the children at Christmas?
It’s not simply a question of logistics, but of emotions. If this conversation feels painful or tense, that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It means you’re human and you care.
This blog will explore a gentle and practical framework to approach Christmas arrangements in a way that reduces conflict and supports your children.
Begin with the child’s lived experience
When parents feel hurt, frightened, or pushed aside, it is easy to lose sight of what the child experiences. Instead of asking “What is fair for me?”, we encourage parents to ask, “What arrangement will help our child feel calm, safe, and free from pressure?
Children cope best when they are:
not asked to choose
not made to feel guilty
not rushed between homes
not exposed to parental frustration
This means putting the child’s emotional need first
Elizabeth Fletcher comments “When it comes to decisions about the arrangements for children of the family, their wellbeing should always come first. In my experience as both a mediator and solicitor, if parents are able take into account factors like stability, emotional wellbeing, and how they can work together – even when reaching agreement feels difficult – then both the children and parents’ wellbeing is improved and conflict is reduced overall.”
Consider the common arrangements (and the emotional reality of each)
Alternating years
Emotionally simpler for some children to stay in one space each year
…but tough for the parent missing the day.
Splitting the day
Both parents see the child on Christmas each year
…but transitions can feel stressful or rushed.
Two Christmases
Children often love this as they get to celebrate the exciting day twice
…but parents must let go of attachment to the date.
Children stay put
Emotionally gentle for the child to stay in one place and have both parties in one space
…but requires excellent communication between parents.
There is no “best way”, there is only what works for your family’s emotional landscape.
Never put children in the position of choosing
Asking “What do you want to do at Christmas?” puts impossible emotional pressure on them. Children love both parents, therefore any choice could feel like they are betraying the other parent.
Instead say:
“We will sort Christmas between us. You do not need to worry about that.”
This immediately reduces their anxiety and allows them to enjoy Christmas as a child.
Elizabeth observes, “Children should never be put in the position of deciding holiday arrangements. The onus is on the parents to plan, and if agreement is difficult, mediation or professional legal guidance can help create a fair, clear schedule that keeps the child’s wellbeing at the heart of the process. However, if the children are old enough to express their wishes, then their views can also be sought through child-inclusive mediation. This is an opportunity for a child to meet with a specially trained mediator privately to express their views, some or all of which can be fed back to their parents with their agreement.”
Expect mixed emotions
Children might feel torn or miss the other parent. They could even have worry about upsetting someone in the family or feel responsible for everyone’s feelings.
Children’s emotional worlds are more complex than many adults realise and they often subconsciously take on more feelings than we initially expect.
It is always important to reassure them, such as saying, “It is okay to miss the other parent.” This gives them permission to experience both love and longing safely.
Avoid Christmas becoming a battleground of generosity
Presents and experiences can easily turn into unspoken competition between parents. However, children don’t measure love by who spent more or who bought the biggest gift, even if it might make them briefly feel good on Christmas day. Children subconsciously measure love through emotional tone, quality time and their parents emotional state:
Is the home calm?
Do the adults cooperate?
Am I free from guilt?
Is it safe to love both parents?
This is the version of Christmas they will remember in the future.
Communicate simply and kindly
Even strained co-parenting benefits from small, practical communication:
“I have bought this gift – what about you?”
“Shall we agree the pick-up time now?”
“Here is what they are feeling this week.”
The goal is not friendship. It is reducing the emotional burden on your child. Elizabeth notes that keeping communication clear and respectful is not only good parenting, it prevents further conflict and provides certainty. “Written agreements, simple emails, or mediated discussions can help prevent disputes and keep children’s wellbeing at the forefront.”
Remember: Childhood is long. Christmas is one day.
Missing one Christmas does not define your relationship with your child, even though it hurts. What matters most is the emotional climate you are building year-round:
stability
compassion
low conflict
cooperation
consistency
These are the things children carry into adulthood, which influence their future behaviours, relationships and attachment styles.
If you are worried about Christmas arrangements.
You are not alone. Many parents feel overwhelmed at this time of year, especially after a separation.
Elizabeth notes that “If parents cannot reach agreement despite their best efforts, I always suggest options such as mediation or formal parenting plans should be explored first. These approaches help provide clarity, reduce stress, and ensure the child’s wellbeing remains the priority. Going to court should be considered only as a last resort, when all other attempts to reach agreement have been exhausted. Court is often very expensive with long delays and is rarely conducive to developing a positive parenting relationship. In any case, the focus will always be on what arrangements best support the child, rather than on who ‘wins’.”
Civilised Separations and Family Law in Partnership help families build emotionally safe, child-centred arrangements that reduce conflict and protect children’s well-being.
Earlier in the series:
Your first Christmas after divorce: How to make it easier for your children (and you) and 5 Ways to Improve your Co-Parenting Relationship in 2026.
About Elizabeth
Elizabeth advises on all aspects of family law and has a specific interest in supporting parents to make healthy arrangements for children, both locally and internationally. She assists parents in all forums – in negotiations as a solicitor, in arbitration, in court and as a mediator. She also helps separating couples to resolve financial disputes arising from the breakdown of a relationship and has particular experience in dealing with substantial complex assets, such as private companies, following a divorce.
Elizabeth regularly supports neurodivergent individuals through divorce and separation, as well as the parents of neurodivergent children. She drew on this experience in her collaboration with FLANC to help family law professionals provide better support to neurodivergent individuals in Non-Court Dispute Resolution (NCDR) processes.