Your First Christmas After Divorce: How to Make It Easier for Your Children (and You)
Written by Mitch Wilkins, with thoughts from Jo Harrison, an Individual & Relationship Therapist at Family Law in Partnership.
Your first Christmas after a separation can stir up a surprising mix of emotions.
Even if you know the relationship ending was the right decision, this time of year can reignite grief, nostalgia, guilt, or just a sense of awkwardness about how things “should” feel.
As Jo notes there are often “so many hopes and expectations about how Christmas should be a time for connecting and togetherness and this can feel totally at odds when you are separating. Parents can feel a lot of pressure to make Christmas something special, at a time when they may be feeling very resourceless themselves.”
If you are experiencing any of that, you’re not failing, and you’re not alone.
Every year we hear the same worries:
“Will the kids be okay?”
“Will I ruin Christmas for them?”
“What if I can’t give them what I used to?”
“I do not want to be alone on Christmas”
The truth is, you don’t need to create a perfect Christmas. You just need to create a safe and happy one.
Here is how to make the transition easier for your children, and kinder for yourself, too:
Lower the emotional pressure on yourself
Most parents feel an urge to overcompensate during the first Christmas post-divorce, to show their children how everything will remain ‘normal’ or is better than before the divorce, i.e. bigger gifts and forced fun.
However, these efforts often come from fear or guilt rather than dealing with the main needs of the child at the time. What your children truly need is your emotional stability, not extravagance. A calm parent is more comforting than any present you could buy. Give yourself permission not to perform. Just be warm, predictable, and emotionally available.
Give children clear expectations
Uncertainty is one of the hardest things for children, especially when family life has already shifted. A simple, warm explanation like:
“This year you will spend Christmas morning with me, then go to Dad’s for lunch. We have both planned nice activities/food and are both super excited to spend Christmas with you.”
Providing clear, simple statements go a long way to helping children feel safe and secure.
Jo reflects “It can feel really hard to say things out loud and make them real, but I agree that clarity is anchoring. It is particularly so if parents can be clear together, so that children can feel that these are plans that both parents have agreed on and thought about.”
Keep familiar traditions (but gently reshape them)
Traditions give children a sense of continuity, although it is impossible to keep everything the same, so it is important that you are ok with letting things go and slowly making new traditions.
For example, you could:
Use the same stockings.
Watch the same Christmas film.
Make the same breakfast.
Having some familiar anchors will remind children that although the family shape has changed, your love for them has not. Over time, new traditions will emerge naturally, without forcing them.
Make room for your child’s emotional world
Children might feel a mixture of emotions due to the changes that come with divorce, especially during the Christmas season. You do not need to fix these emotions, just make space for them. A gentle line like:
“It is okay if Christmas feels a bit different this year. I am here if you need me or want to talk about anything.”
This gives them permission to feel whatever they feel and softly reminds them that things may change, but it will be okay.
Resist the urge to compete with the other parent
This often comes from pain i.e. “I do not want them to prefer Christmas at the other house.” But competition creates anxiety for children. Therefore, cooperation, even tiny, quiet forms, creates relief for them.
Little kindnesses help children relax, such as:
Share gift ideas.
Keep transitions calm.
Avoid speaking badly about the other parent.
Encourage the child to call the other parent freely.
Remember these actions are not for your ex-partner, they are for your child. As Jo puts it “Co-operation gives children a sense that even though things have changed, their parents are still able to work together and then crucially the children don’t have to think or worry about protecting their parents or having to take sides.”
Allow yourself to grieve
Your own feelings matter too. Your sadness does not make you weak and it does not make Christmas worse for your children. It is okay if the day feels tender or if you feel the absence of what used to be. Remember to look after yourself, plan support and give yourself space.
You cannot support your children emotionally unless you acknowledge your own feelings.
Jo Harrison sees this challenge frequently. She notes: “If you are able to acknowledge your own feelings, then you are more likely to be able to be robust to cope with your child expressing their feelings – and it is important for them to be able to do”.
If Christmas feels overwhelming…
You are not alone. Many parents feel the same during the first year of separation.
Contact us for a free consultation and find out how we can help your family move forward after separation.
Next in the series:
5 ways to improve your co-parenting relationship in 2026
About Jo
Jo is a Relationship Therapist with Family Law in Partnership who specialises in working with individuals and couples who are separating. A former family lawyer, Jo has a depth of experience and understanding of the legal process, which many if her clients find helpful.
About Mitch Wilkins
Mitch Wilkins is a Child Consultant at Civilised Separations, and specialises in providing a safe space for children to express their feelings about their family life.