Does divorce affect children? What parents should know
It's one of the first questions separating parents ask, and often the one that keeps them up at night. Divorce does bring change for children, though decades of research show that the separation itself is rarely what does the lasting damage. What affects children most is how their parents get on with each other, before, during and after the separation.
That's good news for parents, because it's something you can influence. In our latest episode of Conflict to Connection, How to Manifest a Good Divorce, Bill and Bella Hewlett talk about what children notice, how they show that something doesn't feel right, and why even the briefest moments between parents carry so much weight.
is it divorce or conflict that affects children?
The research is consistent on this. A major UK review by the Early Intervention Foundation and Professor Gordon Harold of the University of Sussex, carried out for the Department for Work and Pensions, found that children's exposure to conflict between their parents can put their mental health and long-term life chances at risk, whether those parents are together or separated. Professor Harold described how parents relate to each other as "one of the strongest influences on children's long-term mental health". source
The review found that children who witness severe, ongoing and unresolved conflict can become aggressive or withdrawn, can struggle with anxiety and low self-esteem, and often find school and friendships harder. It also found that parents caught up in hostile relationships tend to be less responsive to their children's needs, which is understandable when so much of their energy is going into the conflict.
In the episode, Bella makes the same point from her work with families. The belief that children only thrive when their parents stay together is an outdated one, and a separation where parents manage to get on can leave children far more settled than a home where the conflict never ends.
what are the signs a child is struggling with their parents' separation?
Children rarely say outright that they're finding things hard, so the signs usually show up in their behaviour. Bill describes some of the most common ones he sees in families, including nail-biting, bed-wetting, fighting with other children at school, or acting out in ways that seem out of character. Parents often assume these are simply part of their child's personality, or a phase they'll grow out of, when they can be a sign that something at home doesn't feel right.
Every child responds differently, and age, temperament and personality all shape how they show what they're feeling. A younger child might become clingy or unsettled at bedtime, while an older one might become quieter, more withdrawn or more irritable than usual.
why do children act out during a separation?
Children are acutely aware of how their parents feel about each other, even when nothing is said in front of them. As Bill puts it in the episode, they're not in a position to sit their parents down and ask them to talk about how they're getting on, so they do whatever comes naturally to release that unease, and sometimes that means behaving in ways that get noticed.
The encouraging part is that when the relationship between parents improves, many of these behaviours ease, because the child no longer needs to show that something is wrong.
can small interactions between parents really make a difference?
They can, and they matter more than most parents realise. Bill explains that a five-minute handover or a short phone call carries a great deal of meaning, for the parents and for any children who are watching. A calm, friendly exchange can hold everyone steady until the next time the parents speak, which might be a week later, while a tense one can colour the days that follow.
The good news is that it doesn't take much. A co-parenting relationship needs far less day-to-day attention than a couple relationship, and Bill suggests that one positive interaction a week can be enough to set the tone. When children see their parents being kind to each other, they feel it, and they'll often encourage more of it.
how do children experience a parent going through a difficult process?
Bill also talks about what happens when a parent comes home after a hard day, whether that's a tense meeting with their ex or a day in court being criticised by the other side. Children look to their parents to feel safe, and when a parent has been made to feel frightened or attacked, it's much harder for them to offer that sense of security, however hard they try. It's one of the reasons that treating separating parents with care, rather than putting them through a battle, matters so much for children.
frequently asked questions
-
Not if staying together means children grow up around ongoing, unresolved conflict. The research shows that the quality of the relationship between parents matters more for children than whether their parents live together, so a separation where parents can co-operate is often better for children than a home where the arguments never stop.
-
Changes in behaviour are usually the clearest sign, such as trouble sleeping, bed-wetting, nail-biting, being unusually clingy or withdrawn, or problems at school. If you're unsure how your child is really feeling, Child Inclusive Mediation gives them a safe space to talk to a trained child consultant, who then shares what they've heard with both parents.
-
Child Inclusive Mediation is a specialist approach that gives children a voice during their parents' separation. At Civilised Separations, our trained child consultants meet children from the age of five in a sensitive, age-appropriate way, using an evidence-based approach developed by researcher Jennifer McIntosh, and then share the insights with both parents together.
-
No. There's no pressure on children to take sides, make decisions or say anything they don't want to say. The aim is to help them make sense of what's happening and to help parents understand how their children are experiencing the changes, so that the decisions parents make together reflect what their children need.
helping your children through separation
Separation will always bring change for children, though how they experience it depends largely on what happens between their parents. Keeping the conflict away from them, and finding even small ways to show each other goodwill, gives them the best chance of feeling settled in their new family shape.
To hear more from Bill and Bella, listen to How to Manifest a Good Divorce on Conflict to Connection.
The Co-Parenting Pathway is built around this understanding, with child consultations at its heart so that both parents can hear how their children are really experiencing the separation.
Sources
University of Sussex, Parental conflict damages children's mental health and life chances, 22 March 2016, summarising the Early Intervention Foundation review What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children (Harold, Acquah, Sellers and Chowdry, 2016). Full report: GOV.UK PDF