How to have an amicable divorce
Is an amicable divorce actually possible?
It is, and it's more common than most people think. When Bella talks to children during child-inclusive interviews, many of them mention friends whose parents had a good divorce, where everyone still gets on and the family might even spend Christmas together. If children can see it happening around them, the idea that separation always has to be bitter can't be the whole story.
Most of the advice around divorce focuses on preparing for the worst, which is understandable, though it leaves out the more useful question of how good things could be. A relationship usually ends because something needed to change for at least one person, and separation is a chance to make those changes real, so that the relationship you build as co-parents works better than the one you had in its final years.
In our latest episode of Conflict to Connection, How to Manifest a Good Divorce, Bill and Bella Hewlett share the practical steps that help separating parents get there.
decide together what kind of separation you want
The first step is being open to the idea that a good separation is possible, even if the relationship itself didn't work. From there, it helps to have an honest conversation with your soon-to-be ex about how you'd both like it to go, and what you want to avoid, whether that's ending up exhausted, out of pocket or locked in arguments for years.
It also helps to tell the people around you how you're approaching it. Friends and family tend to take their lead from you, so if you'd like your parents to stay warm towards your ex, it's worth saying so and explaining that you're both trying to make this work well.
Be kind to yourself along the way, too. Bill points out that many people going through separation speak to themselves with a harshness they'd never use with anyone else, often in a critical voice they first heard as children, and it's very hard to move forward positively while that voice is running the show.
why does it feel so hard to get on with your ex?
Bill describes a relationship as something separate that sits between two people, like a box on the coffee table. Each of you feeds what you want to say into the box, and it comes out the other side to the other person. When the box is working well, kindness arrives as kindness, though when it's working badly, something meant as friendly can land as criticism or hostility.
When relationships end, we tend to blame character, deciding the other person turned out to be selfish or uncaring, when it's often more accurate to say the relationship stopped keeping up with what you both needed. That shift in thinking matters, because a relationship can be rebuilt in a way that a person's character can't be changed.
how do you build a new co-parenting relationship?
Bill suggests treating it as a fresh start, almost a blank sheet, where you keep everything that worked well between you and leave behind what didn't. Rather than letting the new relationship form by accident, you design it deliberately around what will help you both, and your children, feel settled.
The encouraging part is that a co-parenting relationship needs far less day-to-day attention than a couple relationship. Your ex isn't there to see most of your day, so what really matters are the occasional moments of contact, such as handovers or a call about the children, and Bill suggests that one positive interaction a week can be enough to carry things along.
what if your ex isn't on board?
It's one of the most common worries, and Bill's answer is reassuring. People are relational, which means the version of your ex you find hardest to deal with is often, at least in part, a response to how they expect you to behave. If you walk in looking tense, they'll prepare for a difficult conversation, and you'll probably both get one.
The reverse is also true. If something in your face or your opening words tells them this is going to be fine, they'll usually change their approach almost straight away. Trying to make someone realise how badly they've treated you by treating them badly in return rarely works, because people go into defence mode, whereas small signs of goodwill tend to be returned.
how do you start each interaction well?
The tone of any exchange is set in its very first moment, so it's worth getting specific about what a good start looks like. In Bill's work with parents, each person is asked to describe in detail what the other would do for an interaction to feel positive, such as smiling, saying hello before asking about the children, or simply looking relaxed.
Those details become practical guidelines for both parents. They might feel a little mechanical to follow at first, though each good interaction makes the next one easier, and after a while they stop needing the guidelines at all, because they've come to expect things to go well.
don't agree to something just to make it stop
When a separation feels overwhelming, it's tempting to agree to whatever will make the conflict go away. Bill's advice is to be careful, because an agreement made under pressure might bring short-term relief, though the cost usually falls on the children later. A parent who has agreed to something they're unhappy with will carry that unhappiness into their time with the children, and as children grow older, they may start to wonder how much they were really considered by the parent who pushed for it.
frequently asked questions
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No, it doesn't have to be. There's a court fee to apply for a divorce, though the largest costs usually come from long legal disputes and court proceedings over children and finances. Parents who can reach agreements together, often with the help of mediation, tend to spend far less time and money than those who end up fighting it out in court.
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A co-parenting agreement is a written record of how separated parents will raise their children together, covering things like communication, decision-making, boundaries and routines. In the Co-Parenting Pathway, this is called the Co-Parenting Alliance. It isn't legally binding on its own, though it can be formalised as an additional step, working alongside your lawyers.
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Yes. Many of the families we work with are struggling to communicate or have reached an impasse when they first come to us, and our team has a great deal of experience with high-conflict situations. Mediation is often most valuable precisely when parents are finding it hard to talk to each other directly.
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No. We often begin working with one parent and help bring the other into the process over time, so you don't need to wait until your ex is ready.
building something better
An amicable divorce doesn't depend on everything going smoothly, or on both of you feeling ready at the same time. It comes from small, deliberate choices about how you speak to each other, how you start each conversation and what you agree to, made with your children's wellbeing in mind.
To hear Bill and Bella talk through these ideas in more depth, listen to How to Manifest a Good Divorce on Conflict to Connection, and for more on what children need during a separation, read Does divorce affect children?
If you'd like support building a co-parenting relationship that works for your family, the Co-Parenting Pathway takes you from individual sessions through to an agreed Co-Parenting Alliance, working alongside your lawyers.