How to manifest a good divorce
When Bella meets children during a child-inclusive interview, she often asks about their friends, and whether any of them have parents who've separated. Quite a few say yes, and quite a few go on to tell her that their friend's parents had a good divorce, the kind where everyone still gets on and the family might even spend Christmas together.
It's a small observation, though it says something important. If children can see that separation doesn't have to be devastating, then the belief that it always is can't be the whole story.
In the latest episode of Conflict to Connection, Bill and Bella Hewlett talk about what it takes to manifest a good divorce, why the way you think about separation shapes how it unfolds, and the practical steps that help parents build something better on the other side.
planning for how good it could be
Most of the professionals families meet during a separation are, understandably, focused on what might go wrong, so they help couples prepare for disputes, court and worst-case scenarios. Bill's view is that this risk-averse approach leaves out a far more useful question, which is how good things could be. A relationship usually ends because something needed to change for at least one person, and separation is the moment to make sure those changes actually happen, so that the relationship you build as co-parents is better than the one you had in its final years.
you set the tone for everyone around you
Telling friends and family you're separating often brings sympathy that assumes the worst, both for you and for your children. Bill and Bella compare it to a parent relocating for work, where the family would spend time apart and yet people would call it an exciting opportunity. How others respond tends to follow your lead, so if you'd like your own parents to stay warm towards your ex, it helps to tell them that's what you want and that you're approaching the separation positively.
Bella also challenges the long-held belief that children only thrive when their parents stay together. The research points to ongoing conflict between parents as what affects children most, far more than whether their parents live under the same roof.
being kinder to yourself
Bill acknowledges that thinking positively can feel impossible when you're carrying guilt or worry that you've let people down. He suggests noticing the tone of that inner voice, which is often far harsher than anything you'd say to someone else, and asking where it came from, since for many people it's a critical voice they first heard as children. Building a better life after separation depends partly on practical arrangements and partly on how you speak to yourself along the way.
the relationship machine
One of the most useful ideas in the episode is Bill's description of a relationship as something separate that sits between two people, like a box on the coffee table. Each person feeds what they want to say into the box, and it comes out the other side to their partner. When the box is working well, kindness arrives as kindness, though when it's working badly, something meant as friendly can land as criticism or hostility.
Relationships need regular updating as people change, in the same way a scooter that suited a young couple won't work once they've moved to the suburbs with three children. When relationships end, we tend to blame character, deciding the other person turned out to be selfish or lacking in empathy, when it's often more accurate to say the relationship stopped keeping up with what both people needed. It might never have had a way for them to acknowledge each other, for example, simply because neither of them knew they'd need it when they first got together.
The encouraging part is that the same idea applies after separation, because co-parents can deliberately build a new relationship that includes the parts the old one was missing.
why co-parenting asks less than you might think
A couple relationship demands constant attention, because almost everything you do carries meaning for the other person, right down to making yourself a cup of tea with the last teabag. Co-parenting gives you far more room, since your ex isn't there to see most of your day. What matters are the occasional moments of contact, such as handovers or a phone call about the children, and Bill suggests that one positive interaction a week can be enough to carry the relationship until you next speak.
getting the first moment right
Bill explains that the tone of any interaction is set in its very first moment. If you walk in expecting a difficult conversation, the other person picks up on it and prepares for the worst, and the conversation usually lives down to both of your expectations. If something in your face or your opening words tells them it's going to be fine, they'll change their approach almost instantly, because people respond to how they're treated.
In Bill's work with parents, this becomes a practical tool. Each parent is asked to describe, in very specific detail, what the other would do for an interaction to feel positive, such as smiling, saying hello before asking about the children, or simply looking relaxed. Those details become the guidelines for the co-parenting alliance, and while parents follow them quite deliberately at first, they soon stop needing to, because each good interaction makes the next one more likely.
what children notice
Children feel the difference when their parents get on, even in brief exchanges at handover. Bill describes how behaviours such as nail-biting, bed-wetting or fighting at school are often a child's way of showing that something at home doesn't feel right, since they don't have the words or the position to tell their parents directly. When the relationship between their parents improves, many of those behaviours ease, because the child no longer needs to express that unease.
Bill also reflects on how significant an ex remains, even after separation. A look or a comment from the other parent of your children affects you far more than one from a stranger, which is why harsh statements about someone's parenting can be so frightening, and why parents going through separation deserve to be treated with real care.
a question from our audience
A listener asked what happens when an agreement is reached because one parent, often the more accommodating one, feels pressured into it. Bill's answer is that an agreement made under pressure might bring a short-term win for one parent, though the cost tends to fall on the children. A parent who has agreed to something they're unhappy with will carry that unhappiness into their time with the children, and as children grow older, they may start to wonder how much they were really considered by the parent who pushed for it.
listen to the full episode
The full conversation goes further into each of these ideas, and you can listen to how to manifest a good divorce wherever you get your podcasts:
If you'd like support building a co-parenting relationship that works for your family, the Co-Parenting Pathway brings together individual sessions, child consultations and a structured Co-Parenting Alliance, working alongside your lawyers rather than replacing them.