Why are we even fighting?
Conflicts in relationships, especially during turbulent times like separation, can feel overwhelming and endless. But what if the root cause of these arguments isn't just the issue at hand but something deeper and more unconscious?
In a previous episode of "Conflict to Connection," experts Mitch, Bill, and Bella, from Civilised Separations, explore the invisible threads that link our childhood experiences to our conflict styles as adults. This episode unveils practical insights into understanding and transforming our conflict patterns into healthier dynamics.
Let’s change the story of separation. One conversation at a time.
Unconscious Templates:
Childhood plays a powerful role in shaping how we respond to conflict as adults. Our brains often prioritise old learning over new, meaning past experiences can unconsciously dictate our reactions, leading to repetitive arguments. If, as a child, you learnt to keep your feelings to yourself or had negative experiences during parental conflicts, these unconscious templates may influence how you engage in relationships today. Recognising these patterns is the first step towards change and connection.
The Role of Cues in Communication:
Communication in relationships is as much about the unspoken cues as it is about words. Our expectations, often based on past experiences, influence how we read others and how they read us. When entering a conversation, a simple smile or friendly demeanour from your partner can set a positive tone and prevent conflicts from escalating. It sounds simple, but learning to be aware of these non-verbal signals and how they can be interpreted can make a huge difference in how you and your partner communicate.
The Power of Pausing:
In the heat of a conflict, our emotional brain can override our more sophisticated reasoning , making rational dialogue difficult. Introducing a 'pause' system in your relationship allows space for emotions to settle and brings the 'human brain' back online. Pre-agreeing on a cue to pause and reflect when arguments start can significantly calm situations, turning conflicts into opportunities for understanding and growth.
Rewriting the Relationship Rules:
Separation can be an opportunity to rewrite the outdated 'rules' of a relationship, often set in the youth of the relationship and no longer serving the couple. By acknowledging how your 'relationship' often distorts messages between partners, you can work together to build a new, bespoke relational framework that supports healthier interactions. This process can be more effective with a mediator's guidance, helping you develop a relationship that meets your current needs and allows for positive co-parenting.
Why Civilised Separations?
Understanding the unseen factors influencing your conflicts and learning to manage them can transform disputes from being destructive to constructive. At Civilised Separations, we offer various resources and specialised support to help you navigate these challenges with empathy and understanding. Explore our service page or book a free consultation to start redefining your relationship dynamics today.
For more insights and resources, explore our website or listen to the full podcast episode at CivilisedSeparations.co.uk.
Written by Mitch Wilkins