“If the conflict stopped, the problem would stop”: What children actually tell mediators
Parents often arrive at mediation believing they are there to solve a practical problem.
A disagreement about living arrangements.
A request to change schools.
A child wanting to spend more time with one parent.
In a recent episode of the Conflict to Connection, child inclusive mediator Mabel Edge described how often those presenting problems fall away once children are actually listened to.
What children say, again and again, is far simpler.
If the conflict stopped, the problem would stop.
“I’m done with the arguing”
In one example shared in the episode, parents believed they were mediating about their daughter wanting to move in with her father full time and change secondary school. On the surface, it looked like a clear dispute about arrangements and education.
When the child was met and given space to talk, something else emerged.
She explained that the conflict between her parents had become overwhelming. She described feeling caught in the middle, hearing “mum’s side and dad’s side”, and feeling confused about what to believe. She said that if the arguing stopped, she would not need to move house or change schools at all.
In her words, she was “just part of the drama”, and she was done with it.
For her parents, hearing this was a moment that stopped everything. They needed time to absorb what they had created, not through intention, but through ongoing conflict.
Why children link everything back to conflict
Adults tend to focus on outcomes, fairness, and solutions, particularly when emotions are running high. Children, however, experience separation through emotional atmosphere rather than decision making.
As Mabel explained, children often attach their distress to something tangible, like a house, a school, or a schedule, because it gives shape to feelings they do not yet have the language to describe. When the emotional environment feels unsafe or unpredictable, changing the logistics can feel like the only way to escape that feeling.
However, once children are heard properly, many are clear that they do not want a different arrangement. They want the fighting to stop.
When children stop crossing the bridge
Another image from the episode that stayed with us was Mabel’s description of a drawbridge. Children in separated families are often required to make an emotional journey between two parents who are no longer able to work together.
When there is enough stability and security on both sides, children can cross that bridge. When conflict increases and cooperation disappears, the gap becomes too wide, and children eventually stop trying.
This is often the point at which parents see children refusing contact or asking for major changes, not because they do not care about a parent, but because they cannot cope with the emotional strain anymore.
Why hearing children can change everything
In the episode, Mabel spoke about how powerful it can be when parents truly hear their child’s experience. Parents who believed they were fighting for their child suddenly realise that the fighting itself has become the harm.
This moment is rarely comfortable, and it often brings up shock, grief, and a need to pause. However, it also creates the possibility for something different, because the focus shifts away from winning an argument and towards changing behaviour.
Children are not asking parents to agree on everything. They are asking them to stop making them carry adult conflict.
Where child inclusive mediation fits
Child inclusive mediation does not ask children to choose, decide, or fix adult problems. Its purpose is to bring their lived experience into the room in a way that can be used constructively.
When done well, and when parents are properly prepared, it helps families move away from repeated disputes and towards decisions that reduce conflict and protect children’s emotional wellbeing.
If Child Inclusive Mediation sounds like something that your family could benefit from, please contact us for a free consultation.
