Do Children Have a Say in Divorce Decisions in the UK?
When parents separate, one of the questions that comes up again and again is whether children have any say in what happens next. Where they live, how much time they spend with each parent, what their daily routines look like. It is a question that matters enormously, and the answer is more nuanced than most people realise.
The short version is: children have a legal right to be heard, but in practice, that right is rarely protected in the way it should be.
What the law says
The UK has ratified the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, and Article 12 of that convention states clearly that children have the right to express their views on matters that affect them, and for those views to be taken seriously. The Children Act 1989 also places the welfare of the child as the first consideration in any decision made about their lives.
In other words, the law is clear. Children's voices matter. Children's welfare comes first.
The problem, as Helen Adam of the Family Solutions Group explains in a recent episode of Conflict to Connection, is that the structures around family separation in England and Wales have not caught up with what the law actually says. Too many decisions about children's lives are made by adults, in legal settings, without the child's voice anywhere in the room.
Why children are so often left out
There is a widely held belief, particularly among legal professionals, that involving children in separation decisions risks putting them under pressure to take sides. It is a well-intentioned concern, and it is largely mistaken.
As Helen explains, children do not experience their family life in terms of sides. They experience it as a system, sometimes a messy or complicated one, but a system they belong to wholly. The idea that asking a child how they feel about their parents' arrangements forces them to choose is a projection of the adversarial framework that adults have built around separation, not a reflection of how children actually think.
What children want, when given a safe and confidential space to speak, is rarely dramatic. They want less conflict. They want their parents to be kinder to each other. They want to feel that both parts of their life are allowed to coexist. As we explored in our piece on what children really say about divorce and conflict, the most consistent message from children in mediation is simply: if the conflict stopped, the problem would stop.
What child inclusive mediation actually involves
Child inclusive mediation is a process that gives children a confidential space to speak with a trained mediator, separately from their parents, about their experience of the separation. It is not therapy. It is not a legal interview. It is a conversation, led by the child, about what they are finding difficult, what matters to them, and what they would like the adults in their lives to understand.
At the end of the conversation, the mediator asks the child what, if anything, they would like fed back to their parents. The child has full control over this. Nothing is shared without their permission. As Helen notes, children understand confidentiality instinctively. They know immediately what they are comfortable with and what they want kept private.
The impact on parents is often profound. Bill Hewlett, founder of Civilised Separations, describes it as activating a part of the brain that the conflict has switched off. When parents are given the opportunity to hear, in their child's own words, what that child is actually experiencing, the dynamic shifts. The tug of war stops. Parents remember why any of this matters in the first place.
Why this should be standard practice, and why it isn't
Child inclusive mediation is not yet standard practice in England and Wales, though there is growing momentum behind it. The Pathfinder courts, now rolling out across the country, have placed the Child Impact Report at the centre of the process. The president of the Family Division has been outspoken about its importance. And the Family Solutions Group has been pushing for years for children's voices to be built into every stage of out-of-court family resolution.
One of the significant barriers, as Helen explains, is that the current accreditation system requires mediators to qualify in property and finance before they can fully accredit, even if their skills and background are entirely child-focused. This limits the diversity of people entering the profession and reduces the number of practitioners available to work with children. The Family Solutions Group has called for the reintroduction of child-only accreditation, so that professionals from social work, education, mental health and other backgrounds can bring their skills into this space.
You can read more about the push for reform in our piece on family law reform 2025, which looks at where progress has been made and where significant gaps remain.
What this means for your family
If you are going through a separation and you have children, the most important thing to know is that their voice matters, and that there are ways to ensure it is heard that do not involve courts, conflict or pressure. Our piece on why your child might seem fine about the divorce explores what children are often carrying quietly during separation, and why creating space for their voice matters so much.
Child inclusive mediation gives children the opportunity to speak, and gives parents the opportunity to listen. At Civilised Separations, it is part of every case we work on, because we believe it is not optional. It is what good separation looks like.
To hear more about how child inclusive mediation works, and what children actually say when they are given the space to speak honestly, listen to our full conversation with Helen Adam on the Conflict to Connection podcast.
If you would like to find out more about how Civilised Separations works with families, you can get in touch here.
Frequently asked questions
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There is no fixed age in English law at which a child's views become legally binding in private family matters. However, courts and mediators give increasing weight to a child's views as they get older and more mature. Child inclusive mediation can be used with children from around five or six upwards, with the approach adapted to their age and stage of development.
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They are very different processes. In court, a child's evidence is formal, legally significant, and can feel intimidating and pressurising. Child inclusive mediation is informal, confidential, and entirely child-led. The child decides what, if anything, is fed back to their parents. Nothing is shared without their permission. The purpose is not to reach a legal outcome but to bring the child's lived experience into the conversation in a way that helps parents make better decisions.
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This is one of the more complex areas of family law, and the answer depends significantly on the child's age and the specific circumstances. Older children's wishes carry more weight, but a child's refusal to see a parent is not automatically respected by courts, particularly if it is felt to be influenced by the other parent. Child inclusive mediation can sometimes help in these situations by giving the child a space to express their feelings without being placed in the middle of the adult conflict.
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Yes, though the approach is adapted depending on the child's age. Younger children may engage through play or drawing rather than direct conversation. The key principle remains the same: the child is given a safe, confidential space to express what they are experiencing, and nothing is shared with parents without their consent.
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Yes. At Civilised Separations, child inclusive mediation is part of every case we work on where there are children of an appropriate age. We believe it is not an optional extra but a fundamental part of any separation process that takes children's wellbeing seriously. You can find out more about our services here or book a consultation here.