Answering Your Questions About Children, Conflict and Separation

Insights from the latest Conflict to Connection episode

In this episode of Conflict to Connection, we did something slightly different.

Instead of choosing a single topic, we responded directly to questions submitted by parents through our social channels. The questions were honest, challenging, and in many cases, painful. They reflect the fears and uncertainties we hear every day from parents navigating separation.

In this article, we share the thinking behind those answers, and why listening to the full episode can help bring clarity when things feel stuck or overwhelming.

“Why do you recommend separation when it only harms the children?”

This is one of the most common and emotionally charged questions parents ask.

The short answer is that separation itself does not harm children. What harms children is ongoing conflict, emotional instability, and living in an environment that does not feel safe.

Children are far less focused on whether their parents live together than on whether their parents are emotionally available, regulated, and able to work together as parents. They assess safety by observing demeanour, tone, and the quality of the relationship between the adults they depend on.

When parents are able to separate in a way that reduces hostility and improves emotional stability, children are often far more resilient than expected.

Staying together “for the children” can sometimes increase harm if it means children continue to live alongside unresolved tension, resentment, or emotional withdrawal.

This is explored in more depth in the episode, including what children actually notice and how parents can protect them emotionally during separation.

Listen now on Spotify, YouTube or Apple Podcasts.

“Do children always want a relationship with their parents, no matter what?”

In almost all cases, yes.

Children have a powerful biological and emotional attachment to their parents. Even when a parent has behaved poorly, been inconsistent, or caused harm, children often still seek connection, validation, and reassurance.

This is not because children are confused or making poor choices. It is because attachment is deeply wired. We see this clearly in adopted adults, many of whom go on to search for their biological parents decades later, even when they have had loving and stable adoptive families.

Children want to know:

• Do I matter to you?

• Am I worth caring about?

• Will you stay emotionally present even when things are difficult?

This attachment drive explains why children sometimes continue seeking connection in situations that adults find hard to understand. The episode explores how parents and professionals can respond to this reality with compassion rather than judgment.

“What do you think about one lawyer acting for both parents?”

In the UK context, where the alternative is often one lawyer per parent, this approach can be a step in a better direction.

However, legal processes, even when collaborative, are not designed to resolve relationship issues. They are designed to resolve legal ones.

One lawyer for both parents can reduce adversarial positioning, but it still operates within a legal framework that struggles to address emotional dynamics, communication breakdown, and the needs of children.

The episode explores why legal solutions often work best when combined with relational and child-focused support, rather than being expected to carry the full burden of family reorganisation on their own.

“Why do people think collaborative law does not work?”

This question reflects frustration we hear from both parents and professionals.

Collaborative law emerged from a genuine desire to reduce conflict and improve outcomes. Over time, however, it has often become complex and difficult for families to navigate.

As more challenges arise, more professionals are brought in. Lawyers, mediators, therapists, financial experts. Each plays an important role, but families can end up feeling overwhelmed, confused, and financially stretched.

When professionals are not fully aligned, parents can receive mixed messages, which undermines confidence in the process.

In the episode, we discuss whether developing more multi-skilled practitioners, rather than expanding professional teams, may offer a more coherent and child-focused way forward.

“What can I do about parental alienation when nothing has changed for years?”

This is one of the most painful situations a parent can face.

Rather than framing alienation as the actions of one parent against another, the episode explores it as something children often do in response to the co-parenting relationship they are living inside.

Children caught in long-term conflict may reduce contact with one parent as a way of creating emotional stability. Loyalty conflicts, fear of upsetting one parent, and perceived abandonment all shape this response.

Pressure, enforcement, and explanation rarely repair these relationships.

What can help is acknowledgement. Specifically, acknowledging the child’s experience without defending, justifying, or redirecting blame.

In the episode, a real example is shared where a single, unconditional acknowledgement transformed a deeply entrenched situation and reopened blocked relationships.

Why this conversation matters

These questions all point to the same underlying issue.

Children are not responding to separation itself. They are responding to the emotional and relational environment created by the adults around them.

This is why child inclusive mediation and child-focused family mediation play such an important role in high-conflict separations. They help parents understand what their children are experiencing without placing responsibility on the child, and support parents to make decisions from a place of greater awareness and stability.

Listen to the full episode

These questions and answers are explored in full in the latest episode of Conflict to Connection, the podcast by Civilised Separations.

Listen now on Spotify, YouTube or Apple Podcasts.

Need support with your own situation?

If you are navigating separation and recognise yourself in these questions, support is available.

Civilised Separations works with parents in high-conflict situations, using a child-inclusive approach to help families move forward in a way that protects children and supports long-term co-parenting.

Book a consultation to explore how we might be able to help your family through separation.